I've indicated in journals over this past year that I've noticed my existence is considerably
challenged - be it in ways preventable by initiative, or completely beyond the prediction or
circumvention of even the best habits/disciplines, I - like some people - have and will continue
to experience undesirable aspects of life. People are a primary source of irritation for me,
the opinionatedness of nearly everyone in subjects where it doesn't seem to even benefit them
or make them appear precocious - I've disparaged Trey and Ben the most, but the list includes
nearly every remaining individual in my world. Unsavory experience gives way to some resentful
idea that for the betterment of my mood and thus broader being, I expand on here, within the
four corners of a text editor or between the lines of legal pads. Trey is someone who has accused
me of being a contrarian - while its true that the behaviors he cites as such are deliberate,
isn't everyone allowed to make decisions when presented with the luxury of choice? If so, I'm
a flaming contrarian - my capitalization on oportunities to distinguish myself via the arbitration
of how many strings my guitar has, or what music I listen to, or what hobbies I partake in apart
from the gaze of anyone make me the most notorious misuser of free will recorded. Hopefully the
sarcasm is coming through - I'm regularly reprovoked by the audacious assessments Trey has made
about such unscrutinous edges of my person; he's benefited from these distinctions in that I'm
less secretive about my motivations, influences, complexes even - sharing them eagerly with him at
an advantageous - for him - time and having ulteriorless intentions behind associating. I was a
high school kid with a guitar rig and a penchant for drum track concoction when Cameron came along;
I got something out of the years of promise, implosion and staggered resurfacings - I've learned
and I've made decisions about priorities and values. I discovered some time in 2022 that I'm
content to dive headlong into the material and trade my essence for rackmount studio electronics -
not following the section of people who ignore the compromises and cautions of embracing fully
virtualized nonphysical approximations for a reduced initial rate. I'm distrusting of software to
withstand the next decade of computing; perhaps a growth attributable to 'interest' in computing
devices over the last decade, my sense of worthwhileness does not favor plugins and VSTs when I've
seen firsthand the confirmations of planned obsolescence and microtransactions within the music
technology scene and beyond (productivity software as a genre is malignantly plagued by such
ticks). And yet the voluntary concession to expense and time intensivity is an example of
unupright behavior. I think a better explanation for.. everything, but my predicament with people
mainly, is that I've attracted morons; I've got two morons in Ben and Trey in my orbit, heaving
debris at my tender regions and sullying the would-be optimistic coloring of my demeanor and
perspectives. I've been as unfortunate to attain a relationship that didn't give me what I wanted
in its active time and yet still gouged a chasm into my right ventricle when this new woman
bent to crane nosed intimidators in her world. As unfortunate to be cheated of knowing my father.
As unfortunate to be coming of age in a hostile world, one that hates me. So these are what combine
to make me so apathetic to being healthy, being correct by the societal definitions, striving
for the conventional success that requires hypnosis by competitive values and urges. I don't wish
to succeed at the expense of someone, nor do I wish to subject myself to the constant worry of
retaliation; I don't think the same way as your C Tenagas, or Elijahs/Erasmos, or Ethan/Jacks.
I want to enjoy life, live it in accordance with my ideas and desires, make mistakes and not feel
suicidally remorseful for having made them. This segues into the observation I had a few days ago,
that being the Boomer's tendency to laugh off their falterances and instances of imperfection/
hazard, whilst crucifying the reciprocals in others - this disposal to hypocrisy is certainly no
potion for my sympathies/forgivenesses of the people which by the day become more villainous
in their acid, dullness and translucence.