bensucks2
I realized today that I haven't had a "good day" since Ben was hired on as my coworker. The thing
which rejuvenated my enthusiasm to get out of bed in the morning, get in the car and walk into my
job with something resembling a smile was the knowledge that I wasn't going to have a scrutinizing
eye on my every move - at least when the customers weren't in. I had reached a place of such content
that the customers were beginning to become an annoyance; I see my adoption of some unamerican customs
is beginning to cause problems or points of unresolvable disagreement. The unamerican, or by most
the "wrong" degrees of my position in the context of facial excitability (my demeanor being so car
transmissionlike in maintaining composure in widely sweeping conditions) is my gradual progression
toward nonconcern for fine interpersonal formalities. I am, to the objection of my workplace comrade,
resolute in the department of complacency - it is not in the contract for people as young as myself
to be confident, apparently, especially when the inescapable corporate philosophy bullshit injects
itself as it seemingly is what all human qualities are measured against. I have a bit of a dismissive
stance/resolve on rouging yourself up for corporate pageantry - I have been made a nonbeliever in my
22 years of life in the church of the superficial, which is what I absolutely see each of the unfolding
criticisms of my movements, my attitude in particular as being - unsubstantive. I communicated in
the self-markered last window of rebuttal of mine to any questionings of my character made by Ben -
I decided that it was time to cease the bidirectional nature of our exchanges on that subject as it
was proving unpleasant and erosive to our still amicably positive dynamic - that I found a particular
facet of his effect nauseating (in much more indirect terms), this being the adherence to privilege-
instilled charms and furthermore the making of that a standard reference for how things ought to be
in a world 60-something years detached from the conditions which initially informed it. Yes, I think
Ben to be dissecting my character with long out-of-date dentistry instruments, and to anatomical
diagrams of equal vintage; so to say that I find the incisions he makes completely unprovisional in
the context of today - someone who purports to understand perspective and uphold it shouldn't struggle
so in identifying their selective defeat of instances in which to apply due doubt benefits - my tenure
and evidencable marks to the positive within the public's reception of the business someone spent
1,000 hundred dollar bills on being examples of his blindspots. Acknowledgement, is, after
all not something owed or even necessary in 'management'; as I work through and verbalize these
accurate tabulations of the exchange him and I held three hours ago, the more it makes sense that his
wife is no longer enthused with him. The callousness of the perspectives he asserts as righteous
pillars aren't applicable to the current world and certainly not conducive to health, as he's quick
to mention his begotten career and academic cum-mediocre expertise in. His unflappable insistence on
the truths of his anti-individualistic, anti-worker sentiments makes for an impasse for continued
defensive belaborments, so I'm intent to cap them and for perhaps the first time ever exhude a
masculine uncontestedness in the presence of dismissive elements. I will remain silent or simply
affirm whatever unfair critical or minimizing assessment of my minimally objectionable social and
work ethic. My unshaken posture is no indication of rigidity - it may be counterproductive as the
professional spheres' hypocrisy and retardation of values will certainly long outlive and likely
demolish my disruptions to its stream in my silent, contextually innocuous protests. I felt compelled
to represent myself as a fatherless autistic man and detail my mental illness-indicative divergences
from routines, hygenic and compulsory, at times - the effort to snap me into an automaton-like
manifest of all conventional standards of personality and business-suited traits is a futile one,
as I'm sure he may be becoming hip to. We'll see how the future of our dynamic shifts, what he will
yeild and what I will concede to absorbing as new procedure. Almost as hopeless among his efforts is
the one to persuade/compell me to realize that promotional item I took a swipe at last month, only for
the suggestion/command to do away with all stylistic features which expand the collected services list
into something graphical, something containing dynamic indentations to aid readability/information
modularity to follow and, perhaps emotionally vindictively, obliterate my desire to develop it further.
Sure, I'm to simplify these bits of information into something aesthetically barren and positionally
mundane/ugly, do away with a clever, promotionally-aimed flair, and miracle the ruins of the initial
draft into something compelling. This is where my 'attitude' would again come under fire, as all of
my perspectives humorously seem to - I never knew I was such a passive aggressive person for allowing
my gel coating to melt after nearly four years of customer service, at a failing business whose
ownership was steadfast in stripping their devotee of the luxury of comfort in solitary work. My
comfort has been majorly undermined today and Monday - I've gone from someone optimistic and feeling
decent about my utility to the business I facilitate to an omnidirectionally frustrated disco ball for
which customers to bounce unworkability and condescention off of and be pelted by sometimes unsubtle
reciprocations of such legit unpleasantness. I feel justified in engaging in this, which unsettles
my behavioral colonoscope. It is so obvious the immense cost of studying something as subjective and
decentralized as communication - you become an insufferable bald prick and contract stomach cancer.
Its undoubtedly reckless and petty to put these disparagements in writing, but since simple facial
expressions and ideas are transgressions belonging on the 'actions' hemisphere within the axis of exacted
and internalized impulses, I'm motivated to do something even more passive aggressive, something which
might legitimately warrant the critical treatment every breath seems to earn me.
What Ben fails to understand or accept is my commitment to my worldview; despite what I've fronted
I do find him to be a minstrel-tier clown whose ideas are so out of touch that they ought to be
jokes. This position was nested when he folded on the question about having ever worked in customer
service, admitting that he hasn't. Yet his experience in 'management' (Making All Normal Aspects
Guys Exhibit Mean Egregiously Negative Transgressions) elevates him to a position of egocentricity
to criticize every attribute of my being, from how I answer the phone to how I resolve issues to
my own sequencing of tasks around the workplace; he sees everything as containing a binary determiner
and if he unpredictably or, like I said, with the ego of someone who owns the place or someone whose
proven themselves (he happens to be the only among three figures who qualifies as neither), will
be condemnatory and authoritative in violation of the hierarchies present. One of such customs, being my
equal stature to his which he's quickly given up on acknowledging in the theme of coprophagic golf
playing douches, is a woman's slipper totally busted by his clumsy dogbooted squaredance. His golden
credential is that he advocates for Jiten, the business owner, in making
the incessant observations which have completely undermined my comfort and personal will to continue
as an employee there - if I didn't fall often into the predicament of caring so much about satisfying
something or being useful to someone, I'd quit right now and begin working for the phone repair center
where I'd be in earshot of the fallout my 'insufficiencies' removal would cause.

"Dog people" (people who prefer dogs to cats and cite reasons why) are people like Ben who take themselves
far too seriously, absolve themselves of the chaos they create and make a point to play stupid about
the semantics of living light and preventing opportunity for neglect, like couples who decide they don't
want children do and are degraded for.

My self-predicted inability to really refrain from conversation avenues which discuss my conduct(?)
with Ben displayed itself yesterday (Monday); I am realizing the situation is certainly brought on
by Ben's presence alone, as before his entrance, the rule of 'what you don't know can't hurt you'
prevailed. Now, with some intel confirming what I'd theorized about along with the ever-so pleasant
unilateral assaults on my being, I am not so much shaking in fear of the future, but accepting of
the playout
of events that will come. I am not convinced that there is anything I could or should change; sure,
the Louis Rossman video I watched recently has been making me think more like a business owner,
with the situationally applicable discussion about undervaluing your work and the consequences of
that. I do crave specific insights (which only Jiten could provide and due to our estrangement,
those aren't likely to meet my eyes) to give me, someone hell bent on self-arbitration through
robust understandings versus the compromised position of compliant/rebellious child that is so
desperately desired by Jiten and Ben, the usurping fuck - (more of a / another) fighting chance
at optimizing my presence and maximizing effectiveness. I do now, with the reflection on states and
aerobics of defending my position against a sharp and wide rake against my constitution, recognize
that a source (not the definitive) of conflict is my organic adoption of authoritative traits which
makes me less attractive to the fragile ownership. I would say that my indulgence in extracirricular
activities (like assembling a cabinet for personal use elsewhere near the conclusion of the work day
- a practical thing to do) is a somewhat oderous display from an insecure perspective such as Jiten's.
This view is informed by the mentioning of Jiten's displeased demeanor the day following this petty
(and supressed) provocation; Ben's now-predictable bias toward the owner is agitating when I'm the
entity being united against - all of my virtues have become problematized. The conversation Ben and
I held where he mentioned Jiten's deficit (Jiten clearly communicates more directly, earnestly with
him) was an instance of situational awareness on Ben's part - he recognized that his presence isn't
needed and is exacerbating Jiten's self-imposed crisis. As far as I'm concerned, that's a concession
which outweighs any of the preposterous, olympic pole vault absurdities of mentality he has deployed
to smear my confidence. He's deliberately subjecting me to a tearing-down and building-up process
and I feel foolish to have allowed the dynamic to become so unsettled, to have compromised myself so
absolutely. This is a lesson in the value of brevity, and another experience encouraging fear of
change and craving isolation - it has had an antisocial affect upon me. I now hold irritation for
the customer base still with the addition of loathing my coworker and boss unit - how this
cheerful state will evolve surely won't be good. Ben's englished affirmation of something I said
about "feeling like I'm approaching a dead end" is a good example of most of our exchanges -
I make a statement/illustrate a thought from a position of security in my conduct, my actions and
acknowledge that I feel that the gravy train will soon come to a stop in the form of my dismissal,
voluntary or not. He then repeats a paraphrasing of my words and validates that it is true the
end is nigh, and it is because of my insufficiencies and that I cannot be complacent with the
uneditable atmosphere of pressures, nor can I resolve it in a way which sees a voluntary exit -
I have to give my master the satisfaction of terminating me. I cannot rob him of the transaction,
the firing ritual. I must keep my shoulders back and jaw clenched with the Heretic's Fork in place.

My polite objections to his bottomless bucket of criticisms have served simply to
gum up the discourse with resistance to "logic"; this is what motivated my cessation of defending
behaviors as they are questioned. As Ben inevitably finds more angles to antagonize me from, if they
are of something I am doing (or more commonly not doing), I will not attempt to explain my point
of view and experiences which have molded my responses to stimuli, I'll just concede and do whatever
it is my new recruit friend/perpetual trainee orders. There is, as a result of the vast age difference,
an inescapable hierarchy which nullifies even my expertise and "seniority" (establishment/
solidification); this wouldn't be much of an issue with anyone except Ben, who is 
in effect an elderly former-
Nazi kommandant in a striped polo shirt/golf shorts. He seems upon acquaintance to be an unsinister
presence - an endearing gregarious man, until the (conversations, tree-shakings) have yeilded (details,
coconuts) for him to (weaponize, throw at your head). The first hunking of a sideways remark is
surprising but taken in jest (him calling me a borderline employee in the presence of a customer),
the second, third and even fourth snapshots of sensitivity felt (as he diminutizes you over something
as immaterial as the time at which you unlock the back door, or chastises you for the way you sit
in a chair) mark the crossing-over into 'worrisome, not yet distressing' territory, with the final
pre-war declaration transgressions filling and overflowing the cup (the envelope-closing interjection
and ensuing conversation). As anyone can see, there has been a progression here - it's up to the
beholder whether that has been overdue, or if its a regrettable descent into tedium for me. All of
this having been said, I still value the perspectives extended to me by him - they are difficult to
swallow at the moment, but familiarizing myself with the uncomfortable is certainly in my best interest.
To document some of the fleeting thoughts I had last night, I recall feeling that Ben is an invasive
species; not dissimilar to a termite in his entry to the position and by proxy my life. The most
dominant stream of thought I've carried this week and last has been that he's a shill - to be so
emphatically pro business owner and condemn me is a detestible thing. To seal up every hole for me
to communicate through is slimy, considering what a dobber he is - his implications of my movements
within the four walls of the store being unprofessional is not lost upon me when he said "if the
business were doing good, he wouldn't mind you". From the conversations we've had, the figures
discussed have every indication of being satisfied; a manual probe of each week's sales since he
purchased the business revealed the expected prosperity in the month of December, which carries the
daily income up from 400 to around 570.