Fleeting thoughts, 11/26/23;

This point in time sees me on the cusp of many different things; being almost 21 I'm
looking ahead at the ability to buy beer, additionally, while it appears inescapable
I do have a desire to quit my current job in favor of something more practical. I've
got more equipment, projects and ideas under my belt than ever before, and my regard
for myself is in a healthy state. I doubt I've clarified in any journals but I have
re-established contact with Trey Hughes (as of April of this year - 7 months ago) and
rejoined Withered Fabrication in May. The fallout which transpired immediately afterward
is more elaborate and dramatic than any of the events unpacked in prior entries aimed
at the 2022 decline (the 2021 timeline I believe to be lost - that one was the worst).
But where the previous couple of years were unabashedly declines , this one legitimately
feels different; Not necessarily a growth (that's what I intend 2024 to be) but a
static existence really - I've been steady acquiring devices for my studio, hanging out
and sporadically exercising my songwriting muscle for the duration of this year. I often
do have moments or days of discontent fueled by whatever anxiety was strongest, but
contrasted with '21 and '22, I've been better surely. I am as cognizant as I can be
about the things I need to improve about myself - some I prioritize more than others
but all of them recognized - and at the moment it doesn't feel like an insurmountable
obstacle, and I don't feel like the impotent ant I am prone to. I simply feel like
myself, pursuing hobbies and not being a complete lowlife - only a slight one.
	The primary motivation to leave my current job is the poor relationship I have
with my boss (oh boo hoo right). No, but it's become more than apparent that by some
sort of karmic order that my being there is inseparable from frustration and malfunction.
I am quite hard on myself, at least internally and despite this I cannot deny that at
least eighty percent of the struggles I encounter are borne of my bosses various deficits,
being poor communication skills, withering competence/capability, and exaustion, which
in no way are my fault. He's desperate to relinquish responsibility over the business
he's run for three decades and adverse to what he'd insist you believe, he's becoming
increasingly unreasonable in a range of areas. His compulsion to find error in everything
you do and nothing in his points to miserableness or jealousy, neither of which I'd put
above the old Indian man. His void of self awareness whenever he launches into tangents
to the annoyance of customers he believes he's charming indicates a warped scope. Its
becoming comical the inability to circumvent any of the humiliation rituals one undergoes
as an employee there, caused by an innocuous action of yours or more rarely an honest
mistake with no permanent affects, or most often the cokehead power trip imagination of
the guy. Like a broken record the guy repeats the same anecdotes, asks the same questions,
and infringes on your ability to stay quiet and do your job, all that I wish to do at this
point to make a pathetic quantity of money every week. I'm all too conscious that the
job itself is not difficult, its the needless rigor of dancing around the banana peels
constantly left all over the ground that inspires the feelings of dread and passive
aggression within my enthusiastic mold. And the cherry on top is without question the
droves of his customer base that believe him a savant, the salt of the earth etc. ad
nauseum which discredits any rightful disdain you harbor for the dunce. Its a circular
torment conveyor, showing up everyday and interfacing with the bloated brown man these
past two years and one half more probably.
	There's anxiety about what lies next to be certain. I'm indecisive of what I
wish to do next, and the single career transition I've desired so far is married proximally
to the current, rendering the desired clean withdrawal impossible. Something technology
oriented is definitely in view, preferably someplace less customer service-intensive
and more expertise-offering. If it was possible, I would enjoy going elsewhere to do the
same work I do now, only with a different person at the helm. It would spare me my sanity
and more than likely grant me more financial breadth. Of course however there is the voice
of reason encouraging the pursuit of a different work type - its just what work type I
want that is undetermined. A work from home job would alleviate the constant uncertainty
and bouts of burden cause of vehicular disrepair I've experienced twice so far and have
been rescued from in the way of convenient schedule incongruence with my mother's - the
kicker is that WFH jobs are often unsustainable and fleeting, and I believe myself
quite unmotivated behind a computer screen and glare of a deadline. So I likely won't
be fortunate enough for something of that sort; an undesirable option would be that of
Anthony Cumia's pre-radio occupation, tin-knocking - whether its construction,
installations, etc.. Often referred to as "real jobs", physically demanding and taxing
means of amassing sufficient quantities of money for self sufficient existence are
what men are ultimately designed for but reluctant to undertake, and for good reason.
Office jobs are somewhat shrouded in mystery for myself, despite me sort of working one -
data analysis, sales, etc. seems so futile in the grand scheme with technology in the
state it is - algorhithmic engineering is the automation clip for many of these tolerable
job avenues.